I Solemnly Swear to Defend to My Death

I also need a sign that says, “New Driver’s Mother On Board. Don’t F Up!”

Okay so I’m not afraid to say it like it is. And I’m not afraid to tell you what I think about your own bad choices. And as per our experience last night, I’m not afraid to show my offspring I mean business.

Son was pulling out of the parking lot, me coaching him to accelerate a little bit more to get out of the left side of the driving section for oncoming vehicles. He creeped over, going 7. This guy, this impatient 30-something with his dog in his lap, starts gesturing that my child is not moving out of his way fast enough. He HAS to get to that butter burger. He’s convulsing, his head bobbing, his arms doing the hurry-it-up you’re wasting my time circling. He’s mouthing adult words. I begin to shake my finger at him.

Then this guy pulls an Austin Powers to back into a spot and holds up 4 cars also trying to get to their butter burgers. I take it as a sign I should let him know my thoughts and innermost feelings.

Oh relax, I didn’t threaten his life. I just pounded on his window. He rolled it down and I screamed, “New driver! Show some compassion! RELAX!”

“Oh, well I didn’t see a student driver sign.” *

“They aren’t required! You’re an asshole. Have some patience,” and I walked away. The dog heard me swear.

I waved at the other cars in an attempt to appear civilized and got back in the car.

“I will defend you to your death, you know that right?”

Daughter in the back seat goes, “We know. We know you mean business.” Was she being sarcastic? Was she scared? Laughing at me? Are my ears ringing? Is it hot in here?

Later in the evening, Facebook had one of those quizzes or tests or whatever that reads your info and spits out a description of you.

I read it to my husband. He laughs. He hasn’t even heard the behind-the-wheel recap of the day.

“To the death!” I exclaim. He rolls his eyes and sighs.



* They aren’t required. It’s a nice-to-have for other drivers, but typically placed on the back of a car…not the front where this punk was overreacting.